Illuminati Facts: Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know

As a curious human being who’s constantly trying to stay on top of the latest news, you’re constantly coming across the concept of The Illuminati. And you’re not only coming across it, but you’re kinda led to believe that they’re some kind of global entity that secretly controls things. Everything that happens, happens because of them. EVERYTHING. As someone who prides myself on not only being in the loop, but running the loop, I thought it was time I find out a little bit more about this shady organization that’s currently controlling my life. And since you’re here too, I’m guessing that you also had the same idea. So let’s go through all the basics together and see what we can learn about President Obama’s boss.

What is it?

It’s supposedly a secret society full of very powerful people. Think presidents, celebrities and wizards.

How did it start?

Way back in the 1700s, a group of elite Bavarian intellectuals got together and formed a secret society to talk about intellectual things. It’s like a book club, but far less pretentious because they didn’t make Facebook statuses like “I wish my book club had a 1000+ page requirement. LOL, but seriously.” Rumors are that they planned to take over the world by infiltrating every powerful part of society. Want more rumors? They resorted to all kinds of black magic to make this happen. Somewhere along the line, this fine group of before-their-time-country-club men got linked to Satan and 666 and everything that goes along with worshiping the devil.

Apparently a despot named Karl Theodor disbanned them when he came to power in the late 1700s because he hated secret societies. (No word on how he felt about midnight societies.) Now history says they all scattered in the wind, never to meet again. Legend says they still kept meeting because despots = downers. That brings us to present day.

How are Jay-Z and Beyonce involved?

Since the Illuminati’s historically been linked to powerful and connected people, it makes sense that everyone thinks Jay-Z and Beyonce are Illuminati royalty. Is there anymore more powerful and more connected than them? While they’ve never openly come out and say “hey party people, we’re in the Illuminati,” they have thrown us a few hints. Such as the time Jay-Z incorporated the universal Illuminati sign into his music videos and his clothing line, Rocawear. Or the time they became they started growing money on trees through their music.

Wait, hold up, what is the Illuminati sign?

Please, please be careful using this. It’s an eye on top of a triangle that’s featured on our money. (The Illuminati runs the banks, did you know that?) Also the eye has something to do with Lucifer always watching. Remember how I mentioned that the devil got involved at some point, uh well, now he’s here in full force. According to Illuminati conspirators, it’s EVERYWHERE you look. Such as here, in Beyonce’s performance. Bet you thought that was a totally innocent move when you first saw it. Think again commoner.

Is Blue Ivy the most powerful person alive?

Yes. She’s letting the royal baby take the heat for now, but she will eventually claim her throne. It’s predestined. Except unlike Harry Potter’s destiny, her’s won’t end in the arms of a redhead.

I.V.Y. = Illuminati’s Very Youngest B.L.U.E. = Born Living Under Evil. Blue Ivy spelt backwords (Eulb Yvi) = Latin for “Lucifers Daughter”.

— Katt Williams (@KattWiIlliams) January 8, 2012

How about other celebrities?

You can find a quality list right here that include Lady Gaga, Emma Watson and Celine. As in Celine Dion. While this doesn’t come close to explaining why/how she married her elderly husband, it hopefully starts to shed some light on it.

Why does the number 13 come up so often?

You’re sure going to feel stupid when I answer this one. It’s obviously referring to the 13 satanic bloodlines. Names that might pop out at you: Kennedy, Astor, Rockefeller, Cyrus. Just kidding, the Cyrus family does not make the Satanic bloodline list. I do not know where she gets her power from and I’m honestly scared to find out.

Would you prefer Scientologists or The Illuminati showing up in your bedroom at 3 AM?

The Illuminati, every single time.

What are the odds that this is real?

Is there a part of you that still believes that your toys come to life when you’re not around a la Toy Story? How about Beyonce using a surrogate and faking her pregnancy? How about mermaids? Yes to all of the above? Then this is very real. It’s the realest thing out there.

How much does the government know about them?

Everything and nothing.

Does the Illuminati know that I’m reading this right now?

Duh. They make the NSA’s operation look like a haphazard game of Clue. By the time you finish this sentence, you’ll either be on an initiation list or a watch list. You do not want to be on the watch list.

How long do I have until they kill me?

This isn’t The Ring! It’s not like you read this guide and then you die in seven days. You might not die for 8 days, 9 if there’s a lot of people reading this and you live far away from the majority. Or you might live forever! They have the power to make that happen too. Here’s all I can tell you. The more places you share this, the higher the odds that they’ll let you live. That’s right, Pinterest too people!

Dumbledore versus Jay-Z: Who would win in a fight?

Trick question. They wouldn’t fight each other. They would put all their energy into fighting Voldemort — known in Illuminati circles Chris Brown.

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