I think we can all agree that if God exists, it’s either Ryan Gosling or Beyonce. Since Ryan’s remained pretty under the radar this year, I’m leaning more toward Beyonce. I always thought God might be a woman, and I also thought she’d be bootylicious, so this works out wonderfully.
Seriously, the signs were all there this year. First of all, the Illuminati theories continue to swirl, which really speak for themselves. But aside from that, Bey also proved herself to be impervious to any and all mid-concert malfunctions, laughed in the face of the law, and did things that I’m pretty sure can only be done through magic. The lady dressed up as an angel (above) for Halloween, for crying out loud! In order to back up my argument, I’ve put together a list of things Beyonce did this year that proved she’s the big guy in the sky. 2013 shall forever be known as The Year We Found Out Beyonce Is God.
1. She walked into Cuba like it was NBD.
Beyonce doesn’t care about silly laws. She and her husband Jay-Z wanted to visit Cuba for their anniversary in April. There’s that whole rule against Americans going there for purely tourism, but Bey got around it. Probably because God doesn’t have a nationality.
2. She broke the Super Bowl with her halftime performance.
Pop culture enthusiasts everywhere sat through boring football earlier this year just to see Beyonce do her thang during halftime. And boy did she do her thang. She did her thang so hard that afterward the power went out in the stadium. So it might not have actually been because of her, but I’d believe it. That’s a total God move.
3. She cut her hair and then was like, “Meh, never mind.”
Beyonce debuted a new pixie cut this summer, and the world went into a frenzy. Women were rushing into the salon wanting the same style, but then like a week later she got extensions, thereby rendering pixie cuts uncool. Mwahaha.
4. She released a song with the lyric, “Bow down, bitches.”
The whole world uttered a concerned “Whaaaa??” when this song came out, because it’s pretty darn cocky. But you’d be cocky too if you were God.
5. She photobombed a fan in the middle of her concert.
Because Beyonce is all-powerful, she has no problem bending down and posing behind a fan during a concert while still singing and gently holding another fan’s hand. All in a day’s work.
6. She cloned herself for a Pepsi commercial.
You can tell me this is done with special effects until the cows come home, but I will remain unconvinced. Beyonce used her godlike powers to create two more versions of herself, and then she danced with them. It’s a simple loaves-and-fishes deal.